Welcome to “What if Your Child is Gay?”
Thank you for joining us to explore this topic. Videos and audio presentations can be started by clicking on the triangle start button. A glossary of terms can be found at the bottom of the menu.
We use the word “gay” to simplify the conversation but we are speaking about all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer people. Many young persons use the term “queer” as a generic way of saying they are different. This course will cover sexual orientation and gender identity minorities.
If you have a gay child, know that you are not alone.
- In the United States there are approximately ten million gay (LGBTQ) people according to Gallup.
- Twenty million parents have a gay (LGBTQ) child.
So, what happens when a child comes out as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
Check out these other sites.
Lead with Love has a great video and an excellent Quick guide for parents.
Strong Family Alliance offers many resources at your fingertips.
Reflections on Having LGBTQ Children
The following are parents telling their stories about having an LGBTQ child.
WHY DO WE HAVE THESE FEELINGS?
Why do we feel the way we do when we find out we have an LGBTQ child or family member? The reality is that hardly a day goes by without hearing a joke or negative comment about sexual or gender minorities.
Part 1: Introduction to Grief
Grief is a common response to learning that your child is LGBTQ+
In this video Enod Gray gives an introduction to grief.
Part 2: What does grief look like?
In this video Enod Gray helps us recognize grief, whether it is because your child is LGBTQ+ or for any other reason.
Some families treat having an LGBTQ child as taboo and insist there are no gay or transgender people in their family.
Part 3: How do We Grieve?
While every person’s grief is unique there are some common threads in grief. In this video Enod Gray describes paths that people may share when grieving.
Part 4: The Second G, Guilt
When confronting grief resulting from learning that your child is LGBTQ+ we often encounter guilt. In this video Enod Gray discusses two types of guilt and what to do.
Part 5: How to work with your grief
What can people do when confronted with loss and grief? Enod Gray gives 20 suggestions of how to work with your grief and come to peace with it.
Part 6: Finding the gift in the wound
Is it possible to find something good in our loss and grief? In this video, Enod Gray discusses finding the gift in the wound.
Even when families are accepting, we may hear teachers or religious leaders condemn gays. Some say gays need to change or that they must live their lives without an intimate relationship. They may even accuse gays of perverting others; that is, seducing young, heterosexual people. Religion and Human Rights
These judgments reflect the rejection of sexual and gender minorities present in society. They express the belief that LGBTQ+ people do not have the basic right to experience their sexuality in the same way that their heterosexual people do. Moreover, when the media presents homophobic people as authority figures, they help create and spread an atmosphere of fear. These negative messages find a way into our lives and we end up internalizing them and believing they are true without much questioning. They make us feel uncomfortable with the members of the LGBTQ+ community. It is part of human nature to want to belong.
Fears and Worries
Negative messages about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people make us feel vulnerable if ever we should be associated with them. We fear losing community, being criticized, rejected or becoming the topic of gossip.
In other words, when you find out you have a gay or transgender child, it is a natural reaction to initially feel upset and worried about your child.
Aside from the messages that we have internalized, we have dreams, hopes, and desires for success for our children that are brought into question. Marriage, career and family life are no longer what parents had expected or hoped for.
Impacting Family Dynamics
In addition, the news of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child may bring out fears that family members have not considered before.
Having a gay child brings changes to the interactions that we have with family, friends and others, it can even change the relationship with our church family.
You can see one parent’s story here.
What will others think?
Parents may wonder how friends, family and/or loved ones will perceive them.
These fears make parents hesitant to face the intimate revelation shared by their son or daughter.
Fortunately, there is good news. Understanding your feelings and realizing that other people initially feel the same way will help you make sense of what is happening.
The truth is: All parents experience a moment when the future they imagined for their child is in question. They learn that their child’s life, dreams and wishes are different from theirs.
As a parent, learning that your child is gay or transgender, you may think that your world has changed, that your dreams and hopes for your child are gone.
Your world has changed. It is time to explore and learn a new landscape.
The bottomline: These initial feelings do not mean that a parent does not love their child or that parents will not be able to accept their child.
Family attitudes, culture and the society that people are raised in will impact the degree of difficulty a parent will have with the news of a gay child. They will also influence gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people when they are coming to terms with their identity.
Many parents never suspected that their child might be gay, often because their child did not want them to know.
Reflections on Coming Out
Fear of Rejection
The painful/overwhelming feelings parents may experience when they find out a child is gay are very similar to the feelings their child may have experienced when they realized he or she is gay. The fear of rejection the child may have felt before coming out to his or her parents is similar to the fear parents may feel when they are thinking of coming out to family and friends.
Do you remember the first time that you heard about someone being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender? What was the tone of the conversation? What kind of comments were made?